People treat you the way you `secretly', and invisibly, ask to be
treated. Your unspoken request that determines how others behave
toward you is extended to -and received by - everyone you meet.
Your invisible inner life is the way you actually feel - as opposed
to the way you're trying to appear - when meeting any person or
event.
In other words, your invisible inner life is your real inner
condition. It's this state of internal affairs that communicates with
others long before any words are exchanged. These silent signals from your inner self are what a person receives first upon meeting you.
The reading of them determines from that point forward, the basis of your relationship. This unseen dialogue that goes on behind the
scenes whenever two people meet is commonly understood as "sizing one another up." But here's the point of this introduction.
We're often led to act against ourselves by an undetected weakness
that goes before us - trying to pass itself off to others - as
strength. This is secret self-sabotage. It sinks us in our personal
life and relationships as surely as a torpedo wrecks the ship it
strikes.
Any person you feel the need to control or dominate - so that he or
she will treat you as you "think" you should be treated will always
be in control of you and treat you accordingly. Why? Because anyone from whom you want something, psychologically speaking, is always in secret command of you.
It would never dawn on any person to want to be more powerful or
superior to someone else unless there was some character within him or her that felt itself to be weaker or lesser than that other
individual. Any action we take to appear strong before another person is actually read by that person as a weakness. If you doubt this finding, review the past interactions and results of your own
relationships. The general rule of thumb is that the more you demand or crave the respect of others, the less likely you are to receive it.
So it makes no sense to try and change the way others treat you by
learning calculated behaviours or attitude techniques in order to
appear in charge. Stop trying to be strong. Instead, start catching
yourself about to act from weakness. Don't be too surprised by this
unusual instruction. A brief examination reveals its basis. Here are some examples of where you may be secretly sabotaging yourself while wrongly assuming you're strengthening your position with others.
Fawning before people to win their favour.
Expressing contrived concern for someone's well being.
Making small talk to smooth out the edges.
Hanging onto someone's every word.
Looking for someone's approval.
Asking if someone is angry with you.
Fishing for a kind word.
Trying to impress someone.
Gossiping.
Explaining yourself to others.
The next time you feel yourself about to give into any of these
behaviours, give yourself a quick and simple internal test. This test
will help you check for and cancel any undetected factor that's about to make you sabotage yourself.
Come wide awake and run a quick inner scan within yourself to see if that remark you're about to make, or the answer you're about to give without having been asked for it, is something you really want to do. Are you about to speak because you're afraid of some as yet
undisclosed consequence if you don't?
Your awareness of any pressure building within you is proof that it's
some form of fear - and not you - that wants to do the explaining,
fawning, impressing, blabbing, or whatever the self-sabotaging act
the inner pressure is pushing you to commit.
Each time you feel this pressurised urge to give yourself away,
silently but solidly refuse to release this pressure by giving in to
its demands. It may help you to succeed sooner if you know that fear has no voice unless it tricks you into giving it one. So stay silent. Your conscious silence stops self-sabotage.
In any and every moment of your life, you are either in command of yourself or you are being commanded.
Ask yourself, "What's the worst that could happen?" Too often, we
place excess importance on potential problems. We all have a certain amount of energy so let's apply it to creating extraordinary
relationships, advancing our lives and meeting our goals INSTEAD of wasting that energy worrying. Take action on what you have control over and minimise risks for what you don't. Then invest your energy wisely.
In doing something for the first time, imagine that you have already
done it in the past. Close your eyes, then vividly imagine you
succeeding wildly at what you are really going to do for the first
time. The mind does NOT know the difference between something VIVIDLY imagined and something real. Make it vivid by involving all 5 senses.
Use the "as-if" frame. I love this frame of mind. If you were
confident, how would you be acting? How would you be moving? How would you be speaking? What would you be thinking? What would you tell yourself inside? By asking yourself these questions, you are literally forced to answer them by going into a confident state. You will then be acting "as-if" you are confident. Now just forget you are acting long enough and pretty soon you'll develop it into a habit.
Go into the future and ask if what you're faced with is such a big
deal. This might be a bit morbid and yet this works tremendously
well. Imagine yourself on your deathbed looking back over your life. You are surrounded by your friends and family. You're reviewing your life. Is what you're faced with now even going to pop up? That's highly unlikely. Keeping things in proper perspective really diminishes fear.
Remember that you lose out on 100% of the opportunities that you
never go for. To get what you want, ask for it. I fully believe that
if I ask enough people for whatever I want, I can get it. This is not
necessarily true and yet it's a useful belief. As you think about
your goals and what you are striving for, how effective would it be
for you to believe that all the people out there want to help you if
you only ask? Whether that is true or not in the "real world" does
not matter. If you find that belief empowering, adopt it as your
own.
Disarm the nagging, negative internal voice. That negative internal
voice can keep anyone stopped. To disarm the internal voice, imagine a volume control and lower the volume. Or how about changing the internal voice to Mickey Mouse? Do you think you could take Mickey Mouse seriously if he were criticising you? Change the voice to a clown voice. The point is to disarm the voice by altering the way it nags at you. If I hear my own voice nagging me, it stops me. If I hear a clown voice, I laugh and continue onward.
treated. Your unspoken request that determines how others behave
toward you is extended to -and received by - everyone you meet.
Your invisible inner life is the way you actually feel - as opposed
to the way you're trying to appear - when meeting any person or
event.
In other words, your invisible inner life is your real inner
condition. It's this state of internal affairs that communicates with
others long before any words are exchanged. These silent signals from your inner self are what a person receives first upon meeting you.
The reading of them determines from that point forward, the basis of your relationship. This unseen dialogue that goes on behind the
scenes whenever two people meet is commonly understood as "sizing one another up." But here's the point of this introduction.
We're often led to act against ourselves by an undetected weakness
that goes before us - trying to pass itself off to others - as
strength. This is secret self-sabotage. It sinks us in our personal
life and relationships as surely as a torpedo wrecks the ship it
strikes.
Any person you feel the need to control or dominate - so that he or
she will treat you as you "think" you should be treated will always
be in control of you and treat you accordingly. Why? Because anyone from whom you want something, psychologically speaking, is always in secret command of you.
It would never dawn on any person to want to be more powerful or
superior to someone else unless there was some character within him or her that felt itself to be weaker or lesser than that other
individual. Any action we take to appear strong before another person is actually read by that person as a weakness. If you doubt this finding, review the past interactions and results of your own
relationships. The general rule of thumb is that the more you demand or crave the respect of others, the less likely you are to receive it.
So it makes no sense to try and change the way others treat you by
learning calculated behaviours or attitude techniques in order to
appear in charge. Stop trying to be strong. Instead, start catching
yourself about to act from weakness. Don't be too surprised by this
unusual instruction. A brief examination reveals its basis. Here are some examples of where you may be secretly sabotaging yourself while wrongly assuming you're strengthening your position with others.
Fawning before people to win their favour.
Expressing contrived concern for someone's well being.
Making small talk to smooth out the edges.
Hanging onto someone's every word.
Looking for someone's approval.
Asking if someone is angry with you.
Fishing for a kind word.
Trying to impress someone.
Gossiping.
Explaining yourself to others.
The next time you feel yourself about to give into any of these
behaviours, give yourself a quick and simple internal test. This test
will help you check for and cancel any undetected factor that's about to make you sabotage yourself.
Come wide awake and run a quick inner scan within yourself to see if that remark you're about to make, or the answer you're about to give without having been asked for it, is something you really want to do. Are you about to speak because you're afraid of some as yet
undisclosed consequence if you don't?
Your awareness of any pressure building within you is proof that it's
some form of fear - and not you - that wants to do the explaining,
fawning, impressing, blabbing, or whatever the self-sabotaging act
the inner pressure is pushing you to commit.
Each time you feel this pressurised urge to give yourself away,
silently but solidly refuse to release this pressure by giving in to
its demands. It may help you to succeed sooner if you know that fear has no voice unless it tricks you into giving it one. So stay silent. Your conscious silence stops self-sabotage.
In any and every moment of your life, you are either in command of yourself or you are being commanded.
Ask yourself, "What's the worst that could happen?" Too often, we
place excess importance on potential problems. We all have a certain amount of energy so let's apply it to creating extraordinary
relationships, advancing our lives and meeting our goals INSTEAD of wasting that energy worrying. Take action on what you have control over and minimise risks for what you don't. Then invest your energy wisely.
In doing something for the first time, imagine that you have already
done it in the past. Close your eyes, then vividly imagine you
succeeding wildly at what you are really going to do for the first
time. The mind does NOT know the difference between something VIVIDLY imagined and something real. Make it vivid by involving all 5 senses.
Use the "as-if" frame. I love this frame of mind. If you were
confident, how would you be acting? How would you be moving? How would you be speaking? What would you be thinking? What would you tell yourself inside? By asking yourself these questions, you are literally forced to answer them by going into a confident state. You will then be acting "as-if" you are confident. Now just forget you are acting long enough and pretty soon you'll develop it into a habit.
Go into the future and ask if what you're faced with is such a big
deal. This might be a bit morbid and yet this works tremendously
well. Imagine yourself on your deathbed looking back over your life. You are surrounded by your friends and family. You're reviewing your life. Is what you're faced with now even going to pop up? That's highly unlikely. Keeping things in proper perspective really diminishes fear.
Remember that you lose out on 100% of the opportunities that you
never go for. To get what you want, ask for it. I fully believe that
if I ask enough people for whatever I want, I can get it. This is not
necessarily true and yet it's a useful belief. As you think about
your goals and what you are striving for, how effective would it be
for you to believe that all the people out there want to help you if
you only ask? Whether that is true or not in the "real world" does
not matter. If you find that belief empowering, adopt it as your
own.
Disarm the nagging, negative internal voice. That negative internal
voice can keep anyone stopped. To disarm the internal voice, imagine a volume control and lower the volume. Or how about changing the internal voice to Mickey Mouse? Do you think you could take Mickey Mouse seriously if he were criticising you? Change the voice to a clown voice. The point is to disarm the voice by altering the way it nags at you. If I hear my own voice nagging me, it stops me. If I hear a clown voice, I laugh and continue onward.
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